Wanted

March 25, 2022

Can you bend a bullet like Beckham? Sure you can. Our friend Jen Garcia returns to talk about the misogyny that is Wanted. Grab some peanut butter and rats, forget Tyler Durden, get a robot bullet and listen to Paul’s Morgan Freeman impressions. As Jen described the film, “a back-to-back string of ‘wouldn’t it be cool if’ moments.” Enjoy the show as we audition lots of closing taglines.

Find this frown-y film for your own eyeballs, if you dare.

• The trials and tribulations of finding a domain name not taken are discussed. It reminds us of an old SNL skit

• Paul calls this film The Matrix by Michael Bay.

• The writers of this film wrote the sequel to The Fast and the Furious and 3:10 to Yuma?

• Peter Bradshaw’s spot on review of this film.

• This film was only beat by WALL-E?

• Jen tells us that James McAvoy wasn’t the first choice for the lead.

• Paul says the film is a mix of blood and Thomas the Tank Engine crashing.

• Chris wants to cut Morgan Freeman from this movie into Bruce Almighty.

• Is this movie trying to do callbacks to Office Space and Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.

• This is the gruesome and ‘utterly ridiculous’ scene we keep talking about (a gun through a human head).

• They tried to bend bullets on Mythbusters.

• Hey everyone, the Loom of Fate is just the ASCII code. Huh?

• Why bend bullets when you can shoot around corners with a fancy gun?

• Jen and Chris agree that Crank is a much better ridiculous action film.

• We get into the geopolitics of the climate crisis and fast fashion because of the Loom of Fate.

• Paul suggests that our hero use his powers for good in the office, and bend paper, like in this 80s production logo.

• Paul says this movie is just Tomb Raider 3 for Angelina Jolie.

• The film has a twist within a twist and we wonder if M. Night was a production assistant on this movie.

• Paul hypothesizes that the Loom of Fate uses TC/IP to deliver the names. Jen says you have to unplug the loom and wait 15 seconds before plugging it back in.

• A character missing from the film that was in the graphic novel is someone made of excrement.

• Paul says his brothers went to see this film and all they remembered was Morgan Freeman saying, “Otherwise..”

• Watch A Knight’s Tale instead, says Paul.

• Jen says King Arthur was okay.

• Paul thinks this movie forfeits the Bechdel Test by not even having more than one woman on the screen at any time.

• Paul wanted this film to go full parody like Tropic Thunder.

• We have no idea what “video” Chris wanted to share with Jen and you listeners, so enjoy some Dolph Lundgren facts.

There you have it. A film you should avoid, Unwanted. Thanks to you for tuning in and listening. Thanks to Paul for recording and our amazingly fun and hilarious guest, Jen Garcia! Like a bad sequel, we will be back sooner than expected.

Megaforce

March 18, 2022

We’re back and protecting the world from bad movies, like Megaforce protects… wait we watched the movie and we’re still not clear on what they do. Paul & Chris invite Arden and Jacob on to discuss spandex, 80s car chase films, and a campaign to make the thumb kiss a thing. We are also introduced to the Grease Cinematic Universe.

Find Megaforce on a streaming service near you. Should you dare.

• Megaforce performance via Box Office Mojo. And the rankings for that year.
• Arden reminds us that this film has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
• This film is part of few attempts for stunt man turned director Hal Needham to have another Smokey & the Bandit.
• Oh hey, Dictionary.com has a definition for “Moose Knuckle.”
• It would seem Edward Mulhare was typecast in only science fiction and fantasy.
• Arden is frustrated that Michael Beck from The Warriors was in this movie.
• Actor Evan C. Kim reminds Arden of Caveman movie starring Ringo Starr.
• Paul reminds us that Geico actually got a TV show out of their Cavemen commercials.
• The infamous B&W composition notebook.
• Playing Burt Reynolds in this film, Henry Silva.
• Jacob reminds us that skydiving is not a tactical thing, but simply recreation.
• It is fair to say that Michael Bay Hal Needhams better than Hal Needham.
• Honestly, we want to skip this bad green screen and watch the Supergirl Ballet again.
• Barry Bostwick’s co-star is Persis Khambatta from Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
• This film is from Golden Harvest productions. The Raymond Chow and Golden Harvest Era.
• Jacob reads us sections of the Wikipedia page for this film. It is so laughable that it played a part in him choosing to watch this movie.
• While some may say Barry Bostwick’s best film is Rocky Horror Picture Show, Chris argues for another film. Behold the trailer for FDR American Badass.
• Dear Nic Cage and Bruce Willis Arden says Barry is coming for your jobs.
• It’s your favorite Low Rider Nic Cage Scene.
• We are all still hungover from watching that Neil Breen picture and that was 2 years ago.
• The A-Team disclaimer was short and to the point. The Megaforce one is boring and long-winded.
• A Thumb Kiss from Barry Bostwick. Oh no, they are really trying to make this happen in the movie.
• If you do not pay the FX team, they will take their toys back and leave your motorcycles in the sand.
• Barry changes into some Buck Rogers in the 25th Century inspired clothes.
• We still cannot get over Edward Mulhare playing the same character as he played in Knight Rider.
• It’s a motorcycle film, should it be remade with Tom Cruise, middle tooth man?
• Coy and Vance
• Team America was based on Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s love for Megaforce.
• One of the director’s first jobs was on Skidoo, another Film Frown movie.
• Introvision was used in UHF (a past Film Frown movie), Army of Darkness, Adventures in Babysitting, and Driving Mrs Daisy.
• The skydiving scene was not Introvision, but Zoptic.
• The deep dive into Geronimo!
• Sauron makes a guest appearance in the movie?
• Always remember Jacob’s hat is like a shark fin.
• The original Adama, Lorne Green sells dog food.
• More interesting than Megaforce is Spock’s Brain on VHS.

Remember when you see someone wearing Spandex shout “BOSTWICK!” Thanks for listening! Stay tuned for more bad movies and if you want to help us pay for our website hosting, and now the Zoom subscription, please see our Saucey Patreon.

Fateful Findings

June 9, 2019

So the key to getting a Neil Breen film means going to the source. In keeping with our spy movie season, we followed the instructions on the site that said, “If you want a film other than Fateful Findings add the title to the comments section.” We asked for Double Down and paid the man for the DVD. Here we are reviewing what came in the mail, Fateful Findings. We were joined by Jen and Arden, reuniting the Masters of the Universe crew. “Basically the movie is so bad that when there is some clarity, it sticks out to you,” says Jen. Arden says, “If it wasn’t for Film Frown, I never would have been exposed to stuff like this. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.”

• Lamenting that we didn’t just watch Supergirl again.

• If you need a Fateful Findings drinking game, it’s here.

• Is Breen the next Tommy Wiseau?

• We are all so confused. Even a movie called The Never Ending Story has a plot!

• Paul recommends you watch the film on 1.2 speed and Arden said he kept fast forwarding 15 seconds and nothing changed.

• Where did these sounds come from? Lord of the Rings or Star Trek IV.

• We share how uncomfortable we feel for the other actors in the movie when Neil is undressing them. If you were in the film, you can find help here.

• The hospital scene confounds us. A breathing apparatus over the bandages, carpet, and a stretcher that would look old on Marcus Welby, M.D..

• Doing show notes is hard when I’m laughing. Did I miss something?

• Neil Breen’s character can do magic if you don’t watch him. It’s like the Invisible Boy from Mystery Men.

• Neil Breen does product placement for Hefty?

• Jen points out all the production companies listed see the bottom in the credits are actually Neil Breen.

• Chris offends Starman.

• Chris reads Neil Breen’s official summary of the film to see if this is the movie they watched.

• We talk about continuity. It’s important and completely missing here.

• Jen struggles to compare The Room to Fateful Findings.

• Paul calls the film “a Vine but longer.”

• While Paul and our guests are not to sure about labeling this as so bad it is good, Chris wants the film to become the traditional graduation gift for students. Jen thinks this could be an excellent De Beers-like conspiracy.

• Arden had to stop watching the film and cleanse his palate with The Toys That Made Us.

• Oh my, Jen throws down the gauntlet and says her most hated film is Lucy.

• Arden feared she was going to say, Now You See Me 2.

• Jen says American Psycho did the plastic room better.

The first rule of Hefty room is? Thanks for listening! Thank you to Arden and Jen for joining us.

Operation Kid Brother / OK Connery

March 24, 2019

Our season of spy films continues with this very strange parody. It’s 1967 and those Bond movies are making money, let’s jump in on that. Well, the first thing we need is a Connery. Hey, Sean Connery has a brother. Let’s call him? Does he act? Does it matter? Our friend Jacob Cook returns for this episode and we’re wondering if he’ll ever return. This is a bad, bad movie. As Paul says, “The main character’s super power is knowing what the hell is going on.”

• The film was originally titled, Operation Kid Brother, but in some releases it is called OK Connery because they just gave up on trying to be clever.
• What’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction may be a better discussion than this particular film.
• According to Wikipedia, the Moneypenny actress made more money for this than all the other Bond films.
• The Italian Dudley Moore? It’s Alvaro Vitali. And he’s not in this film, or it might be funny.
• Jacob compares this film to the last parody we watched with him, Our Man Flint.
• Neil Connery was a plasterer and an affordable Connery.
• Our hero practices the secret Tibetan art of hypnosis. Paul wonders if it is related to Calgon.
• Chris confuses Terrence Mann with Terrence Malick. We here at Film Frown apologize for this mistake, Mr. Mann. We love Critters and do not enjoy the sleepy films of Malick.
• Seeing the portable projector in the film, Chris says he’s 5 years sober from his addiction to woot!.
• Jacob quotes Insane Clown Posse for the first time in his life we’re guessing. “Magnet’s, how do they work?”
• The crime syndicate is Thanatos, not Thanos.
• While Paul says the music in the film is overpowering, Jacob points out that it was made by famous composer Ennio Moricone.
• Let’s avoid getting in trouble with copyright, but we’ll have a line referencing Ian Fleming. It confuses us all and we discuss this a lot.
• “Pull the levers!” is this movie’s “Blankets!”
• Curiously, United Artists released this film and the Bond films.
• So did they reuse the outfits in Starcrash?
• So in this film, Neil Connery is Scottish and does not, at all, sound like it. In Highlander his brother plays a Spanish character and does not, at all, sound like it.

Thanks for listening! Thanks to Jacob for watching this atrocious film and teaching us the Dolph Lundgren nipple tolerance theory. Next up, a Neil Breen film.

For Y'ur Height Only

March 13, 2019

Spy season continues with Weng Weng, international little person of mystery. A parody of the Bond franchise, For Y’ur Height Only brings us quick and dirty filmmaking and a script that just gives up at some point. “Hey, it’s a parody, do we need to explain this or that? Nah.” This week we’re joined by friend and regular Arden to talk about this Filipino martial artist, his film, bad edits, repetitive music, awful stunts, worse dialogue, and nipples.

• Show notes usually contain references to characters, people, films, or jokes we make about the movie we’re reviewing. There’s not a lot of notes for this film because it is just BONKERS. Arden, Paul, and Chris are lost in the script by Cora Caballas or the dubbing possibly done by Dick Randall.
• We learn that Verne Troyer was actually shorter than Weng Weng.
• Arden continues to drop history on us as we discuss Weng Weng’s ties to his karaoke buddy Imelda Marcos.
• The John Woo slide.
• We have to apologize for the all the talk about peperoni nipples this season. This film and Masters of the Universe had lengthy scenes of men without their shirts on. There’s no shame in nipples or shirtless men or podcasts, right?
• Sadly, Arden that is not Cesar Romero in this Filipino film.
• Hey, my dialogue needs something extra. What can I do? How about a nursery rhyme? So there’s actual dialogue in the film from Rub-a-dub-dub in a gangster scene about drugs?
• Weng Weng will Have a Coke and a Smile.
• Is it a Manila Coke or the evil New Coke?
• Look at me, I’m Mary Frickin’ Poppins, y’all!
• The best James Bond film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, starring George Lazenby is referenced in Erma’s death.
• So, it’s bad. Can we watch another one though? D’Wild Wild Weng?
• Paul wants to know if the thumb-high-five is a cultural thing we don’t understand or a Tim Cook and Bono awkward moment.
• Chris shares the story of why Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter has never been on the podcast.
• What about Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?
• A film that was successful as parody of a cult classic and has become a cult classic itself is Black Dynamite.
• Michael Jai White’s next cult send up that is coming out is called The Outlaw Johnny Black.
• Random Lou Diamond Phillips reference.
• Paul’s favorite movie of the season is still Masters of the Universe.

Thanks for listening to our mouth sound effects and we send you all virtual thumb touches. Until next time.