Starcrash

April 21, 2015

This episode Dan Hogan & Sally Ann join us to celebrate the perms in space! Starcrash is a 1978 low budget wannabe Star Wars film featuring Christopher Plummer and The Hoff. What more could you ask for? Set your computer wave to monitor our friction trail and prepare yourself for some robot chauvinism.

Watch the film (at your own risk):

• The bad news, a classic of such vintage is not really found streaming at the moment.
• There is a Blu-ray at Amazon though.
• You may also find it on Youtube. For how long? Only Akton knows.

On with the teardown!

• Paul does the first Elle impression, while Chris does a horrible Church Lady.
• The sets remind Sally of the Farragut Film Studios that offer a tour of their Star Trek sets once a year.
• 70s films love public address systems.
• Our first perm, Akton played by Marjoe Gortner is also in one of Dan’s favorite bad movies, Food of the Gods.
• According to Paul’s research on the Starcrash imdb page all the dialogue in the entire film was replaced. Is this why everyone is so cheery?
• It turns out Elle’s voice, Hamilton Camp is also the voice of Gizmoduck from Darkwing Duck. He did voices for The Tick and many more shows.
• Chris wonders if Elle is short for Lolipop? He is an Android.
• Christopher Plummer IS THE EMPEROR.
• Dan tells us, “It’s not the Force.” So what are Akton’s powers? Limitless? Is it all about the full body perm?
• Sally & Paul think Akton could be a Time Lord.
• Ele beaten like the fax machine in Office Space.
• Is that Zardoz shooting lasers at the cavemen?
• Akton not using The Force, is also not using a lightsaber. Maybe?
• Dan thinks more movies should feature cavemen beatings. Unless of course it’s the friendly Captain Caveman.
• Best answer to how main characters inexplicably survive “We’re not like most people.”
• Why is Christopher Plummer in this film? His answer, Rome.
• Dan relates similar stories about why actors do bad films from Elijah Wood and Bruce Campbell.
• How Star Wars Episode IV should have ended.
• Sally was very excited to see The Hoff in “his pretty lady makeup.”
• Sally & Dan think this movie feels much longer than it is. Yet, they both felt that it was so bad it was good. Chris & Paul agree.
• Dan recommends Galaxy of Terror and Chris says you should check our Forbidden Planet.
• Sally needs more recommendations! Paul suggests Logan’s Run while Chris & Dan praise Attack The Block.
• How about Moon, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, Tron and The American Astronaut.

Thanks so much to our friends Sally Ann and Dan Hogan for joining us. Be sure to check out ShopSallyAnn.com and Clattertron.com respectively. Of course, thank you for listening.

Deep Blue Sea

April 14, 2015

On this episode Chris & Paul are joined by Jacob Cook from Citizen Web and the brains behind arkOS. The three shark wranglers are terrified of the future where elderly people are injecting shark brain juice. Jacob treats us all to a fantastic reboot of this film that we would all pay money to see.

Want to watch this film (at your own risk)? It’s available for digital rental from the following services:

• iTunes
• Google Play
• Youtube
• Sony

Deep Blue Sea is ranked 19 for the year of 1999 above Galaxy Quest, Three Kings and The Cider House Rules.

• Paul and IMDB tell us that director Renny Harlin “is the most successful Finnish film director.” He must be a national treasure for his work on Diehard 2 alone.
• Correction: Chris misspoke! Actor Thomas Jane is in the new (bad) film Vice. He is not in Inherent Vice.
• Paul decides Bruce Willis is himself, a movie trope. He also wonders if Michael Bay directed this film.
• Avengers unite! Saffron Burrows’ eyebrows, Samuel L. Jackson and Stellan Skarsgård are in this film prior to joining the Marvel universe.
• Nobody remembers Tattoo and Fantasy Island.
• Michael Rapaport has “the gift for gab?”
• The key failing of Free Willy? No Eminem.
• Chris is legitimately scared by this film. Zip drives are terrifyingly bad for your data.
• Jacob says the best actor award goes to the bird played by two actors. One did the parrot sounds and the other did the voice.
• Why isn’t Samuel L. Jackson going Snakes on a Plane on these sharks?
• Chris wishes Gilbert Gottfried played the parrot.
• A live listener who has a rad music blog called Anomaly wonders if the storm in the film is a Sharknado.
• The sharks destroy all the cameras watching them? Why can’t we be as smart as the sharks and stop giving our data away to corporations? We should use arkOS.
• How is that large window holding water back in this underwater facility? Is it transparent aluminum?
• Jacob & Neil deGrasse Tyson are having issues with the science on this film.
• This movie is no Jurassic Park. Close but no Goldblum.
• Paul is marketing LL On The Shelf next Christmas. Not to be confused with The Elf on the Shelf.
• It’s a revenge film like John Wick. Don’t mess with LL’s parrot.
• Paul thinks LL Cool J based his character on Inigo Montoya.
• This movie makes a “10 Best” list as well. 10 surprise deaths in blockbuster movies.
• The terrible secret of this film: the sharks have an eating disorder.
• The final shark death scene is reminiscent of Revengeofthe.ninja.

Thanks again to Jacob Cook for joining the guys on this episode. Hopefully he’ll come back and do more. Or perhaps Jacob and a clever parrot can replace Paul & Chris?

Excalibur

April 5, 2015

Who can pull the sword from the stone? Will it be Paul, Chris, or Colette? What’s the creepiest way to say someone is pregnant? Also, what’s with that green light? “AND CUT!”

Want to watch this film (at your own risk)? It’s available for digital rental from the following services:

• iTunes
• Google Play
• Youtube
• Hilariously, we had originally a link to Target Ticket in here, but apparently that service is no more.

Let the commentary begin!

• Colette was immediately surprised by the adult scenes in this film having seen it on TV so many times.
• Paul can’t help compare this film to the Merlin television show.
• John Boorman, the director of this film is the same man who brought us last season’s favorite, Zardoz.
• Excalibur was a hit when it came out in 1981. Hey, maybe this isn’t a bad movie?
• The Hobo font doth not flatter ye, film.
• Nicol Williamson plays Merlin. He’s a similar character in the bad movie, Spawn.
• When you don’t hide CGI in the dark, you get The Golden Compass.
• Paul thinks the glowing green sword might be light saber like.
• Igrayne gives everyone an innocent dance & then channels Tawny Kitaen.
• Is Uther riding to the Duke’s castle on fog & lust or is this a TriStar picture?
• Clan of the Cave Bear
• Igrayne is played by the director’s daughter, Katrine Boorman. That’s right, dad is giving her direction in a nude sex scene with Gabriel Byrne.
• A young Captain Picard shows up in this film. He’ll be followed by other youngsters like Liam Neeson and Helen Mirren.
• Behind the Sword in the Stone is documentary about Excalibur that has not been distributed yet, but you can see an excerpt here.
• Live listener &!(bitandbang) enjoys the new tag line Chris has for the film, “Patrick Stewart jousts the hell out of some dude.”
• Is Merlin Rasputin or Yoda? Has Arthur entered the forest or the Dark Side Cave?
• “What’s that song?” wonders Paul. Live listener &!(bitandbang) answers, “O Fortuna”. Click that link to see a recap of the film and hear the song.
• The Cave of Time is no Cave of Wonders.
• The guys compare bad lines & shaky plot bits to Empire Strikes Back and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2.
• Boy Mordred is played by the director’s son, Charley Boorman who now does a lot of documentary TV.
• Chris compares the weird gold armor with nipples to the Joel Schumacher Batman & Robin bat suit.
• Lesson learned? You go into a room or tent and see someone you don’t expect in your mother’s clothes? Don’t ask questions, you kill that person!
• Listener &!(bitandbang) suggests we watch City of Lost Children.
• The final fight between Arthur and his son is going to be like a Mortal Kombat video game! It looks like a heavy metal album cover! Yet, it is completely anticlimactic. For a real end fight you have to go to revengeofthe.ninja from season 1.
• Recommendations: Star Knight, or perhaps some TV, Merlin.

Harum Scarum

December 31, 2014

It’s time for the better half of the podcast! That’s right, Tina & Colette join their husbands to watch an Elvis picture! Where would bad movies be without bad musical numbers? Elvis is the king, but in Harum Scarum he could have been replaced by a wet blanket and no one would notice. This film lacks energy, not to mention acting, plot and choreography.

Want to watch the film (at your own risk)? You can purchase it on YouTube.

Otherwise it’s so bad that it isn’t currently available on Amazon, Netflix or iTunes. Check canistream.it to see if things have changed since this podcast was posted.

• Tina’s favorite musical is Phantom of the Opera, while Colette enjoys The Pirates of Penzance.
• Chris shares that he is not a musical fan unless in cartoon form.
• Paul enjoys Les Misérables, not to mention when TV shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer decide to do musical episodes.
• This season, Supernatural did a musical episode as well.
• As the old Eddie Murphy joke goes (NSFW), Elvis sings all his lines because he can’t act.
• Colette points out that if you look up harum scarum on Thesaurus.com, the words listed are a pretty good review of the film.
• 3 songs in the first 6 minutes of the film? YouTube can give you a sampling of the songs & their silly lyrics.
• Billy Barty has a mostly non-speaking role in the film. Very common in his early career. You’ll recognize him because he’s been in tons of stuff.
• One of our live listeners, hollow, “swears they’re just picking random numbers” in the script. A country unchanged for 2000 years, and yet they have Islamic holidays like Feast of Ramadan?
• In today’s world, Hey Little Girl seems creepy because he’s propositioning a 7yr old girl. Though, our parents assure us nobody would have thought this was inappropriate when this film came out in 1965.
• Paul spoils Scooby-Doo for all the listeners.
• The fight scenes are part parkour, part Zoidberg and part Urkel.
• Tina says this film was bad and would rather watch A Boy and His Dog again.
• Movies recommended this show, Singing in the Rain, Goonies, Zardoz and The History of Future Folk. Currently on the Netflix is The Machine.

Always a pleasure to have Tina’s quick wit & Colette’s perceptive mind on the show. See you next season!

Doctor Goldfoot And His Bikini Machine

December 25, 2014

This episode features Vincent Price, Frankie Avalon’s helmet hair and a very bad song from The Supremes. Thanks to guest reviewer Sally Ann for taking time out of her busy season to join us!

Interested in watching the film?

• Peep it on Amazon.
• Watch on iTunes.

On with the show!

• Frowner Sausages may remember Sally from a couple of Montreal Sauce shows, S2E013 and S2E014. (It’s not an insult, Montreal Sauce fans on Twitter chose the name Sausages, for themselves!)
• Sally shares movie memories from different genres, Platoon & Annie.
• Chris gets Casualties of War mixed up with Platoon.
• We all regret Oliver Stone, but love Willem Dafoe & Forest Whitaker.
• What are these beach party films?
• The awful theme song by The Supremes and the opening claymation credits by Gumby’s Art Clokey.
• That song is thankfully absent from an album in Chris’ collection, Spy Magazine Presents, Vol. 1: Spy Music.
• First cameo in the film is Killer Croc!
• Frankie Avalon plays Jack Tripper with his costar in backwards clothes like Kriss Kross.
• Before Gilligan and before Dr. Goldfoot, there was The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.
• Chris drops some film terminology on ya, Mise en scène.
• If you’re not interested in the sequel Dr. Goldfoot & the Girl Bombs, perhaps you would like the TV show, The Wild Weird World of Dr. Goldfoot. WHAT?
• Some of the torture scenes were borrowed from other Vincent Price films, like Pit and the Pendulum.
• Sally & Chris agree that Michael Cera and Jessie Eisenberg are interchangeable.
• During the car chase, geography becomes surreal? Fans in Grand Rapids, MI probably feel the same way about the car chase in 30 Minutes or Less.
• Chris compares the film to Gilligan’s Island & Beverly Hillbillies while Paul nails it, describing it as a very long episode of Get Smart.
• Sally recommends Palo Alto as “the complete opposite of this film” we watched.
• Paul is excited because The Wizard of Oz has been remastered and looks gorgeous.
• Chris says you should check out the star-studded comedy, Noises Off.

Thanks to Sally for hanging out with us. Check out ShopSallyAnn.com for rad hand crafted designs and sallyannk.com for tutorials and more information.